The Night of My Life

I am sitting on my bed Indian style with my cat who is looking out the window and watching some “Heroes” myself. And its 11:18 PM. Your probably thinking why am I up at this hour making a blog post. Well, I will tell. I just had the most amazing night and I want to share it with the world. Or who ever reads this bloody blog.

Tonight I got all dressed up and went to the Bull Tavern Inn. I met Mama Jane there along with a few other people from my church/choir. I don’t do crowds or a lot of socialization, so I was surprised by my own self when I said I would join up for dinner a few days before. But it sounded like fun and I always thought if I kept giving it a try it would pay off. And tonight it has.

As I am 21 I can now drink. And being around all those adults, I bought myself a Moscato wine. It was very bubbly. I loved it, I felt like I was actually fitting in. Not completely, but it was step. A step that I liked taking. I remember the last little party I did with the choir and I couldn’t drink. It really separated me. Others may have not noticed, but it made me realize how young I really was.

I listened to conversations and chatted when someone talked with me. I don’t always like to start a conversation because I get nervous or I am afraid that I won’t be heard. But if given a question, I will answer. That table was full of laughter and words flying across. And I was part of the mix.

After dinner we all headed over to the Devos Hall to go and see the Requiem. We had front row seats. Well third row really, but come on, that’s the same thing. Right? The Requiem lasted an hour and a half. It was beautiful and amazing. I loved watching the cellos and base as well as listening to the violins. I long to learn to play the violin and the cello. I think the base would be to heavy. The Soprano was just fantastic. To reach those high notes has got to mean something. Though I don’t think I would ever want to be able to sing opera. I prefer my voice with my guitar.

We all talked non stop about the show and what we thought was amazing. The small, funny mistakes that were made. We talked about how much we a loved the conductor. He was so cool to watch. The way his hands would be flying and his arms raising. At the end I was sure he was going to hit the soprano more than once. That part put me on the edge a little. He even did a jump skip a few times. That made me smile. The whole thing was just incredibly fantastic.

After the show and chatting we went to go get some desert. Some had left, so there was only eight of us left. Boy were we loud as ever. I swear half of that loudness at the restaurant was from our group of eight. I even got a compliment from Mama Jane. She liked the way I did my hair. I don’t get compliments like that, not often anyway. Plus, I don’t spend a lot of time of my hair. It is unmanageable and I gave up trying to find knew ways to wear my hair a long time ago.

I have to say this was the first time in a long time where I have gone out and not come home crying. I have always been unpopular, I get that. Its a fact I learned to face, but it doesn’t mean it never hurts. I keep it in like a dam, until it breaks. But recently I have decided that I no longer want to be afraid. Of anything, of showing people who I am. I’m tired of hiding. And tonight, I think I did a pretty good job of having fun.

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Poetry Part 2

“v.

sighed

on life

on matters

that didn’t matter anymore.”

It sounds like one reminiscing the past. Or like someone who had their whole life planned out, but things changed along the way and now that can’t remember their original plans.

“vi.

try not to wander

too far.”

Now that one is hard to do. Especially for me since I love to travel. And I’m not sure that this is advice that I want to bring to thought. But it also sounds like something my own mother used to say to me time and time again when I was little. At that age I probably should have listened to that advice.

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“vii.

i’ve decided to believe

rather than not

in myself.”

Gosh if I didn’t believe in myself, I would not be able to survive. I would not be where I am at in school or with my family or with my relationship with God if I didn’t believe in myself. And if I happened to not believe in myself, I sure as heck would want someone to believe in me.

“viii.

his perfection

is not what made him perfect

it was his unending ability

to love you.”

I just find this one so romantic. To have a boyfriend/girlfriend who either perfect or not perfect, to love even unto the end of times. It’s like a whole new life, a new adventure. A new chapter in a book. Of course this also God’s love for us. He is perfect for sure and He loves us even when we make mistakes. He can never stop loving, even if He wanted to (not that He does).

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“ix.

are you waiting?

what are you waiting for?”

The other day I had left a message answering my boyfriends question. It was a list of things that I want. And I guess those same things that I want are the things that I am waiting for. For instance, I took a test yesterday in math. I am now waiting for my grade to see if I passed. I want to pass that test. Actually, I have to pass that test.

“x.

if you don’t remember

the good things about me

i will.”

And for sure I will. I have great memory and can always remember things that my parents don’t even remember happening. It’s the memories that keep life going and make history.

Poetry Part 1

To me, poetry can be interpreted in different ways for different people. My best friend Abi wrote a book called The Freedom of April. I am now just picking it up and reading it. I got this idea that I could tell others what her poetry means to me, keeping in mind of course that Abi could have a different meaning for her own poetry as she is the one who wrote it.

i

don’t

love

too hard.”

When I read this I think of a relationship and that the couple’s love should be natural making them perfect for each other. But if they have to work hard at loving each other then maybe their relationship just isn’t meant to  be. Of course they should still love each, but as friends, not as a couple. Also, the love should not become hard in the sense that we change who we are as a person. Our love she mirror who we are.

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“ii

find me a heart

that’s better

than the one

i already have.”

To me, this would be finding the most pure of hearts. And there is only one who as the purest of them all. Jesus. And I have already found Him. Of course I am always seeking Him out, so I guess you could say I am always finding that heart that is better than the one I have.

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“iii

don’t feel

empty

beside me

we can see

 better

together.”

Hmm…..Going religious again, I see the whole world as good because Jesus is beside me. I try to see the good in all things. Even in the bad because if I don’t see good in bad things then I feel like the bad has won and will always win. Plus. Jesus just works in mysterious ways. Sometimes something bad has to happen in order for something good to come of it. Of course it has to be of His doing and not mine. If it were mine, it would most likely back fire.

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“iv

hide behind glass bars

if you must

remember

all is not

as it seems to be.”

This sounds like judging. We can’t judge people by their looks and appearances. Though it can be very hard at times. Its like that saying “you can’t judge a book by its cover”. I think this is also good advice for someone who is hiding behind scars and they are afraid to reveal their pain and hurt. They might be afraid of what others may think or they believe that they are alone in what they are going through. They may also think they it will only get worse if they tell the truth. But it is not all they think it is. This poetry may also be about finding a friend, so that we are not alone. We might even find a friend in the least likeliest person.

“No Escape”

My mom and I just got back from seeing the movie “No Escape”. If you have not seen this movie I totally recommend it. Though if you are not a fan of blood or people killing people, then you might not want to see this movie. It is rated R for a reason. Now, even though this movie is not based on a true story (though I could have sworn I read somewhere that it was), I want to bring this movie into the real world scenario.

The movie is basically about a family who went to some place in Asia. A group of Asians band together to put down Americans and anyone who was in their way. They did this because they were tired of the Americans coming to take over their own country. See, at first I thought it was good that the dad was going there, because he was trying to help with the water. Then, near the end, I learned that the Americans were basically cheating the people of this country and buying there country out. Kind of like owning slaves, but they aren’t treated as so. The Americans are just slowly making the country their own. I found that terrible and just plain wrong. Why can’t they just help for the sake of helping? Why does it have to be all about one upping someone or becoming the greatest there is?

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Not knowing all the true facts that were put into this movie, I can’t really say a whole lot about. And not one for being about politics, I definitely can’t say a whole lot about it. But then this movie got me thinking about the countries like India and Ecuador and all those poor countries that missionaries intend to go to. In the movie the family was running for there lives, trying to survive. It got me thinking about all those people who are just trying to survive in there own countries because they may disagree with the big to do’s. Like in India, faith is a big battle there, so is Iraq. For some places it doesn’t matter what religion they are, if they are not the religion of their own country, they are hunted down and killed.

My church helps people that are fleeing there country because they can’t be open with their faith. I remember I helped a family who was originally from Iraq. They had to leave their family behind and all of their belongings. When they first walked of the plane all they had was the clothes they were wearing. They had nothing else. The mother had tears trickling down her face out of happiness and probably our of relief that the she no longer needed to run. I remember about a week after they settled in and we were able to help them set up a cell phone, so that they could call home. They were so happy to hear from their family who was still on the other side of the world. The family is now happily living in California, I do believe. They have been in the US for a couple years now. But I could not imagine having to run and hide like that. They were able to escape as many others did. But I think about those that have not had the chance to escape yet. To experience freedom.

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I’ve read stories, seen movies, and TV shows about people helping to smuggle people out of there country because of how bad it is there. If something like that ever came across my way, I would do what ever I could to get them out of there. It is what I would want someone to do for me. My dream is to go to Africa, and I recently read this book called “The Color of Grace”, it’s about a woman who goes to Africa and she helps children who were once children soldiers. She, along with others, helped set up relief programs. Each child thought where alone in this, but it wasn’t until the adults got them to start talking when they realized they were not alone.

It is terrible what these children had to, have to do. Kill there own families, chapping them into pieces, scalping them, beating their skulls into their heads. Some kids had to go out and collect toes or fingers just because a leading soldier though it would be fun and toughen them up. Did they want to do this? No! They did it to survive, because there was no escape. Once they did escape, they still felt trapped. That nothing could make amends for what they did. But they were taught that God forgives and they learned that He loves us all, the good and the bad, and our mistakes. I would do anything to help these children escape from all that. I would sacrifice my own self.

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Think I am kidding or I’m just saying that? Well, I’m not. When I was discerning for the religious life, I emailed this nun frequently. I told her in one email, that I wanted to be a martyr. I still do. I have not thought of that email in some time, but being a martyr has always lingered on my mind. You probably think I am crazy, well I can’t blame you. But I am not afraid of death. Of course I am afraid of where God will send me, Him I fear. Of course I will not leave this world without a fight. In the movie, the dad killed someone to protect his family. Would I do that? If it came down to protecting myself or those that are with me, would I really kill? To be honest I don’t know. I cannot picture myself doing such a thing. But reality is so much different than a movie or the imagination of a person.

It is amazing what one movie can do, getting a minds brain to going spinning like mine has. One thing is for certain, where ever I go outside of my country, I must know where the American Embassy is. In February I will being heading to the Philippines for two weeks. But someday soon, I will go to Africa.