No School Tuesday

No, it’s not because a professor called in sick. I talked with my parents about school. They have seen how unhappy I was and want me to be happy. For that I am grateful! I was so worried about disappointing them that it was hard to want to bring it up to them. But my dad was the one to break that wall. As of today I am no longer a student, well in the sense that I’m not going to school. I can still learn a plenty from books:) Just the way I like it.

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I don’t know what I’m supposed to be. What I do know is that my passion lies with helping people, caring for them, and being with kids. I love kids, adore them! School and me are not the best of friends, but who says I have to have a degree to do what I love. Sure it makes life easier, but what can I say, I’m a rebel and enjoy doing things the hard way. Of course now I have no excuse to not work more, but that’s okay. Soon enough I’m going to want to move out.  I’ve been looking around, trying to find a descent place with a descent price. I’m looking more into a studio.

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I still need to figure out this depression and anxiety. I’m trying to get back in to seeing my counselor and I’m going to speak to a lady who works for my Church. I never had a Spiritual Adviser growing up, but that’s kind of what I’m looking for. I know I want to do more Missions through out the year. I’m looking forward to the Philippines in February and seeing my sister Tiffany. I’m not one to really carry about money and putting letters before/after my name. My dad always says he married up. Me, I used to want to be married by now, but with all the goings on, I’m actually okay with being single. I can keep finding myself and doing what I want how I want and when I want. I swear, all my sisters live in different states, so the guy I marry is bound to be from a different Country! That’s my life, the irony of it all.

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For now I’m just gonna keep living. And decide what color to dye my hair. Not the whole head, but I want colored tips or a colored stripe in my hair. Any suggestions?

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Tagged For A Summer “Would You Rather”

WOULD YOU RATHER???

Live in a tree house or a castle?

A dream of mine has always been to stay in a castle for a few days. But at the same time I think living like the Robinsons would be cool, though I have to admit I wouldn’t want to actually have to build the house. So I pick….castle.

Be able to sing beautifully or dance beautifully?

Well, people say I sing good, but I lack confidence and as for dancing I don’t even know if I can. So I choice…singing. 

Ride a horse or a camel?

Since I’ve ridden a horse I’m gonna go with camel. I’ve always wanted try. Plus I like speed and camels are faster than horses.

Know a fairy or a unicorn?

I believe in fairies, so for sure a fairy! Maybe not one sassy like Tink, but one like Zarina! 

Have a backyard that was a huge bounce house or a huge ball pit?

I love bounce houses, but I’m gonna have to go with a huge ball pit.

Travel or stay home?

I need a set home and then I’ll travel for life. I can buy decorations for the house while I travel! It’s a win win.

Be able to fly or be able to breathe under water?

Oh….um…..well, since I want to be a fish use go with breath under water. 

Know where you’re going or have it be a surprise?

It all depends on who I am with. I think I’d prefer to know where I am going, but not necessary have to know what I’m doing.

Be on a boat or on an airplane?

Boat, more room and I think it would be cool to live on one. Kind of dream of mine to live on a yacht. Plus I’ve been on like 6 cruises. 

Be able to see in the dark or be able to never get tired?

I’m actually pretty good at seeing in the dark. I like sleep and I like the feeling of getting tired, like after a long hike. So, neither. 

Go on a vacation to the beach or to the mountains?

I’m more of a mountain girl really. 

Have picnics in the forest or in the park?

Forest, more adventures and mysterious that way. 

Swim in the ocean or swim in a pool?

Pool. Less salt. Ocean, only on a red flag day.

Be a dolphin or a cheetah?

DOLPHIN!!!!!!!!

Be able to make people laugh or be able to make people trust you?

Laugh, we need more of it these days. 

Be surprised by a present or be able to pick what you get?

Surprise, I’d be interested to see what they came up with! But leave the receipt. 

Eat  popsicles or watermelon?

Juicy watermelon

Make art or read?

I read now, so art since I’m no artist.

Experience an epic water slide or an epic zip line?

I’ve done both, but I would do a zip line. I like the hight,  the wind, and the feeling of flying.

I would tag someone, but I don’t know how. Sorry

Admitting You Have A Problem

So, this past week has been really rough for me. And I didn’t know what to do, still don’t know what to do…well, I know what I need to do now, but its the going about part that’s a bit hard. Lately it’s been my depression, not official diagnosed FYI. Struggling everyday to do the simple things, to be happy, to be nice. I’m over eating a lot and crying myself to sleep like every night.

 

School is definitely not helping. My grade in ASL 3 is good, but my other class, well I’m failing. Most people do I guess, but I’m not most people, or so I thought. Lately I’ve just been thinking  of moving out. Not because I hate it home, I actually love it there. But I’ve had a hard time deciding if my decisions are my own or the many opinions of others. I need to know what I am made of, what I can do on my own. I need to be independent. Start making decisions on my own. Of course I know its okay to get help and other people’s opinion, but right now I feel stuck.

 

 

A couple of days ago I was watching some random YouTube videos on Disney actors and I came across Dove Cameron. According to the video she as anxiety. I was just curious as to what anxiety really was as I didn’t know it’s full meaning. After doing some research I starting thinking that may be I don’t have depression, maybe its anxiety. So I checked the symptoms for each and I can see that I have a little bit of both. Makes my mind hurt just thinking about it. Literally, I feel as though my mind is going to explode. I was seeing someone, just a one on one conversation, but I got tired of it and I thought I was doing okay. NOT!

 

 

I know I need to talk to my parents about this and get some help as I am still living under the same roof as them. And, honestly, even if I wasn’t I know I would need to tell them about this. My parents know about my depression, though I never said it forth right. They are good at there job as parents. And I think they now something is wrong now…gosh already getting emotional now! Sucks! Admitting something is wrong is one thing, but doing something about it is another. I’m not a pill kind of person, but I’m not exactly on to talk about my feelings either. Hello! Introvert!

 

 

I miss being able to just work and save up money. I miss being able to read when I want too and watch Netflix when ever. I miss my music! I miss taking walks everyday. I miss the old way and I kind of want it back more than anything. School really isn’t my thing. Never was. My Junior year of high school I was ready to be done. I wanted to drop, but knew I couldn’t. So I didn’t. I took two years off before deciding to go back to school. I have no idea what possessed me to go back, I hate school. I guess its because I wanted to be a teacher like my mom, but at the time and now, its not exactly smart to go into. So I just stuck to my basics, and ended up with ASL after writing was vetoed out. I don’t who I was kidding. Me or the world.

 

 

What I would like to do now is sort of what I was doing before I started school. I’d like to do more short term mission trips through out the year maybe one or two a season. I would just need to find a few sponsors. I’d still like to move out and if I had sponsors I wouldn’t have to worry about saving up too much money on my own and the rest could go towards rent and essentials. How does one put this into adult words toward there parents without getting all emotional. Telling my parents I about my new dairy allergy was lot easier than all this. But I know if don’t soon, its going to kill me. But apparently when I answer the phone I have a tone, so my dad at least knows there is something bugging me. Like I said, they are good at there job.

The wrong time

Yes, this is the wrong century

Now that you ask

This is the wrong time, the wrong era

Some mistake has been made

My time is not here

In this era where life is a cage, a prison

Maybe a century back, or century forward

I am not sure. 

How Things are Going Now

September 7th, 2017

Right now I’m watching a movie called “Back to the Secret Garden”. It’s a sequel to the 1987 Secret Garden, the one where Mary marries her cousin Colin and Dicken died in the war. I prefer the 1993 one as Mary fancies Dicken more. I’ve seen the movie and it’s cute. Watching Netflix or DVD’s is one of my ways of taking a break from studying. I study about 2 hours a day. It can get a little overwhelming sometimes. Practicing my guitar helps calm down or talking a walk while listening to music. I can only hope and pray it all pays off. No matter what happens.

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I’ve trying to keep up with my shows, but there are too many that I’m watching all at once. Merlin is one of them. I’m on season two now. I’ve been watching it at a house where I Nanny for two days out of the week. And I finally finished the fourth season of Supernatural. Still working on Doctor Who, really behind on that show I’m afraid. Like two seasons behind. I don’t have all the time in the world. Plus I’m trying to make time for reading as well.

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I’m still reading “Bleak House”. Good book, but it’s very long. I’m also still reading the Manga series “Your Lie in April”. I’m reading it slowly on purpose really. Just milking it up. Then I’ll re-watch the show. I bought the DVD’s a while back.  I’m actually working on getting all the Manga for a vampire series called “Vampire Knightly”. Again I already have the DVD’s. I’m not really into vampires, but I loved the show! Anime really.

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I’m still working on my writing, mostly poetry. I’ll be able to post more short poems in a few days. I lost a lot of the poems I had on my last phone since it got stolen. So now I’m making new ones. This time I’ll try to post them faster just in case my phone gets stolen again. I think some food is in order…looks like Chinese leftover in the fridge.

 

2 days until school thoughts

Yesterday I finished watching the TV show Jessica Jones by Marvel’s. I have to say it was really good and i loved that David Tennant was in it even though he played the bad guy, I mean he played it so amazingly well I loved it. I know I said in a previous post that I was done watching movies or TV shows that portray gay characters or lesbian characters, but something my friend said kind of made me change my mind cause um what she said was that if you’re watching it for a different reason than watching it for the gay or the lesbian parts then it’s you know it’s not a sin especially if you’re strong in your faith and I feel like now I’m stronger in my faith. Of course I always struggle in it but who doesn’t. Plus I know that kind of relationship is wrong and I don’t watch the show for pleasure in those kind of relationships (I feel like pleasure is the wrong word). 

So, some might say I’m a hypocrite and this might be true. But I’m still learning, still trying to find out who I am. I don’t want to do wrong, but at the same time i want to stay true to my faith and to who i am right now, but at the same i don’t want to hurt anyone. Though I already know i have, again, who hasn’t. 

The world’s just changing too fast and I can’t keep up with it.